my trip to cub foods

people have told me repeatedly that i'd be a good food critic. the idea of being a food critic seems a little wierd to me, i never really see myself being in a magazine or something - i just like good food, critics generally piss me off anyway, especially music critics, so why would i want to be a food critic? critics are generally critics cuz they've failed at whatever they're critiqueing. i guess that makes this ok, since i really have no desire to be a chef or anything. but anyway - i really enjoy talking about food after i eat it, and i really like eating it. contrary to what that lead-in may imply, i'm not a fat-ass. but i really like the details of food, be it something trashy or fancy-pants.

the other day at the grocery store we were getting some essentials (read: steak, some potatoes, beer (KOB) and some wine.) for the inagural bbq of the season. there was some deliberation about burger vs chicken vs steak, and it seemed to me steak was in order for such a monumental occasion. a quick perusal of the steak section... hmm. strip steak? nah. too thin and not worthy of the occasion. filet? hmmm. is that a little extravagent? nah, fuck it. it's the first bbq of the season. filet it is.

fruits and vegetables aren't my forte. i like vegetables more than fruits and have a complex set of qualifications of which fruits and vegetables are ok under varying circumstances. it's way too complex to spell out here, but i have a system. it makes sense to me, and it probably won't make sense to you. i'm sure i'll talk about it later. suffice to say i wasn't on vegetable duty.

plug time: if you're in new york, check out my boy hansen, he and i have had many a conversation about these very topics, and we have similar tastes alternating between high brow and white trash. (can't escape our midwestern roots).

went over to pick up some beer (how can you grill w/o beer?) and the KOB was on sale. KOB is one of my favorite beers. i used to be a beer snob, but that was when i was on the dole still. you can drink KOB fast, it doesnt give you shitty hangovers like old style/pbr/et al, and it's totally ubiquitous and american which i like.

in one of my pretentious art classes in college (my favorite classes - i was a master at this sort of rhetoric, and could write myself an "A" bluebook exam in my sleep) my professor had a real interesting lecture about coke [the soft drink, not drug], and how it was the great leveller of social classes and structures. this kind of academic rhetoric tends to piss me off when i hear it on NPR these days (terry gross annoys the fuck out of me), but back then, and still now i buy this argument. the theory went, basically that the awesome thing about coke, is that if you're a millionaire drinking a glass, and you quantified your satisfaction, the result of your drinking that glass - you'd get the exact same result as a third world person drinking a coke. some dude making 6 cents a day can enjoy something just as much as a go-zillionaire. this is just a fantastic concept in my book. the go-zillionaire receives the exact same pleasure out of said consumption as this super poor guy - for that one moment, and in that act of consuming a soft drink - the two opposite worlds are equalled and the two are eye to eye in this act. my love for the KOB is essentially and extension of this - except you can get drunk on beer, not coke - and i enjoy a slight jag. (the wisco definition of jag, not chicago)

eventually i moved to the wine section at cub foods, and found some shiraz. while sitting looking at the wines, i thought to myself - you know, i've lived a pretty big lie on the wine front, and most people i know think i know a shitload about it. i know what i like. i know what regions produce whatever. i can totally hold my own with a sommolier, but really - fuck, i dunno. it's just wine right? i thought of dinners where my brother (a total food snob in the bay area) has served $400 bottles of wine with one course. it was good. yeah, real good. but was it so good TO ME that it warrented that price? not really. was it to my brother? hell yeah. he also would never buy a 800$ microphone - so whatever. anyway, i try and get one shit bottle of shiraz as an option for the steak. found some nice looking label for 4.99, and then grabbed another because it had a penfolds logo on it. it was apparantly thier off brand. but anyway - i knew the label and bought the wine. it's not so much that i know wines well, but i have a decent memory for the details and create relationships that i remember. if at a fancy restaurant my brother or hansen orders such and such type of wine with xyz pairing, i'll remember that - and get whatever's close to what's available at the restaurant. the ability to fake french is useful too. but at the store, the KOB philosophy holds true. don't need the absolute best, but don't get the bottom barrel crap either.

writing this is taking longer than the entire trip did. so we check out and something catches my eye. this is somewhat important as this is what led to creating this blog. butterfinger just came out with a new butterfinger that is so fucking awesome. it's called butterfinger crisp. you know how when you eat a butterfinger, it tastes awesome - but after like 2 bites you get these big buildups of sugery crap on your molars, so that you keep having to scrape your teeth off after ever few bites, and that just sucks and is gross, so you never get them. not this. not anymore. these geniuses combined the TASTE of a butterfinger by making it in these cool little thin layers of "butterfingerness" and crossed it with the consistancy of a kit-kat (another big favorite of mine - great texture and crunch, but not too sweet, and besides most american chocolate and candy sucks. sorry, it just does.) so, it's like the new generation of candy is taking place right in front of us. hershey's hit a home run with it's new take 5 with this same concept. but, i gotta go with the butterfinger crisp in the end because the take 5 can be too heavy - and you can only eat 1 half without starting to feel gross, or needing something to wash it down.

so after describing my reaction as such to the new butterfinger, a friend suggested i start a blog talking about this crap and you just read the first post.